[What she really wants to ask is why anyone would name a child Semi, but it's probably better not to get into that. He's revealing a lot about himself here, and trying to divert attention from that would be rude. She's more fixated on his near obsession with Julie's case, understanding exactly how it feels to be so dedicated to trying to help someone that it consumes you. ]
It sounds like the system failed Julie Mao. You did everything you could to find and save her.
[He probably doesn't need the reassurance, but she gives it to him anyway.]
What's your biggest regret looking back on her story? That everyone was too late, or that you weren't able to let her go?
[It's blunt and a little nosy, but she's in reporter mode right now and focuses more on the questions that might provide interesting answers rather than fluff.]
Oh, that's not the end of the story, Karen. That's just the goddamn beginning.
[ his biggest regret, what a question. he scoffs, though it's not directed at her in any way. ]
I didn't let her go, I guess. I don't know, I haven't gotten to that part yet myself, but- Well, I already told you about the Nauvoo and flyin' Eros into Venus. From what they tell me Julie was with me. I know it sounds impossible, but when it comes to this protomolecule shit? Real world rules don't apply. You know, like physics and shit.
[ he scratches at his face and leans back a little. ]
I guess my biggest regret was getting cancer - could've done without that part. And if we hadn't stopped for that radiation detour Semi would probably still be alive.
Regrets don't get you nothin' but more regrets though, do they?
[What's seemingly the end of a story is usually the beginning of the true depth of it, just the tip of the iceberg. His talking about his cancer hits her like a punch to the gut, and her face momentarily contorts. But she's quick to cover it up, giving a little nod of her head to answer that question.]
Sometimes regrets can lead the way to learning valuable lessons.
[But he's right, more often than not regrets don't help anyone. She fiddles with her device, ending her recording.]
I know this isn't any of my business, but are you still sick?
[ he notices her ending the recording and wonders if she thinks she's doing him a favor. if he gave a fuck who knew what about him here he wouldn't have let her record in the first place. miller shrugs, then starts rolling up his jumpsuit sleeve until she can see the cancer port protruding from his arm. ]
[She leans in so she can very carefully reach out and touch at the port. Her touch isn't lingering and she tries not to put pressure on it.]
For now.
[The words are whispered, and she frowns deeply. She'll have to keep a close eye on him from now on, just in case he gets sick again. Her eyes meet his briefly before she settles back, turning back on her device.]
You said that you met Holden and his crew through Julie's case. Did you stay with them after losing her?
[ it's ugly the way it protrudes from the skin, but it doesn't seem to bother him when she touches it. ]
It's supposed to be good for a while, maybe forever. Doesn't matter much to a dead guy, I guess.
[ he rolls back down his sleeve and leans back on his elbow to look up at the feed. his eye closes as he remembers the rocinante, what it was like finding his place there. ]
For a while, yeah. When Holden and me got back to the Roci we were all jacked up. Cancer- so Naomi fixed us up. It didn't take me long to find my friend Semi in the cargohold though. Amos shot him through-and-through. When we split up, Naomi gave Holden three hours to get back and we ran out the clock. Semi wanted to leave and Amos doesn't like it when people threaten Naomi, so he paid the price.
[ just another person who had, for trusting in him, he supposes. miller sighs. ]
But yeah, I bunked up with them for a while. The Belters put together a Strike Team to go back down and round up all the scientists who released that blue plague on all those people. They did it on purpose, to study what happened so they could figure out how to weaponize it later. Holden tried to get me to stay behind, but I went down and it's a good thing I did otherwise they would've killed every last one of the people who could get us answers. I managed to get 'em to stop shooting long enough to save one guy, and he spilled the beans on the whole project. But the Captain didn't like when I put a bullet in the project manager myself. A guy that evil, there's nothing we could've learned from him worth the slime it'd get on us. That's like making a deal with a demon.
[ miller rubs at his eye and takes a breath. ]
So he kicked me out. I was off the team. You know, until all that shit with the Nauvoo and Fred Johnson later. Is any of this making any kind of sense?
[It dawns on her that this is the most he's told her at any given point in time. Not only about himself, but just speaking in general. She's always pegged him as a quiet smartass kind of man, but this shows the depth to him that she knows is there. It also serves to remind her just how much alike they are, which puts a little smile on her face. It feels out of place given the subject matter, but it's accompanied by a little nod of her head to show him that she's with him.]
It makes as much sense as anything else you've told me.
[Which means he's good at telling a story, even if there's one part that bothers her.]
Why not hold Semi's death against Amos, though? You said it yourself, you don't make deals with demons. Why would you trust him and his crew after something like that happened?
[She can understand that he was kicked out and off the team, but that doesn't necessarily change the fact that she's a little concerned about how casual he is about the loss of his best friend. She can't imagine losing Frank or Matt that way.]
[Her eyes glance down at the hat, then back up at his face. She really doesn't understand that line of thinking, but the safety of the people she cares about is one of the things she sees as being vital to her own well-being.]
That doesn't make it right.
[She visibly bristles, but has to remember this isn't about her. This is his story. And how he acts about the loss of his closest friend is his own decision, she can't judge that.]
What I mean is, you've forgiven him. Or it sounds like you have, anyway. It's strange, Miller. A man that's been through so many terrible things still has one of the softest hearts I've ever seen.
[But don't worry, that secret is completely off the record.]
[ his gaze hardens at that, head swiveling up to make sure her recording is off. his rep as a coldhearted bitch is about all he has on this station. ]
Amos is... he's a different breed, alright? He'd snap my arms off like twigs if I threatened Naomi. That's his family, like Semi was mine.
I don't like it, I'm never gonna be over it, you know, seein' my brother on the floor like that. But in his mind he had to do it. We're square, that's that. It's in the past.
[His paranoia makes her roll her eyes and hit at his arm. His reputation is going to stay intact, ok. She's not recording and is working on finishing up this whole thing.]
So you don't hold grudges. That has to come in useful in a place like this.
[There's a snort that accompanies the tail end of that, because people here constantly infuriate or insult her. And unlike him, she holds grudges.]
Do you consider yourself their friends here? Amos and the rest of the crew?
[ he stares at the punch to his arm. it hurts, but not in any lasting way. it doesn't seem worth reacting to. and he's so underslept that his body registers it late anyway. ]
Everyone's got a skill, right? We'd be cheating ourselves to count people out just because of a silly thing like a guy murderin' your brother.
[ s h r u g emoji ]
Sure, I guess. Alex seems hellbent on making it that way, whether I like it or not.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
It sounds like the system failed Julie Mao. You did everything you could to find and save her.
[He probably doesn't need the reassurance, but she gives it to him anyway.]
What's your biggest regret looking back on her story? That everyone was too late, or that you weren't able to let her go?
[It's blunt and a little nosy, but she's in reporter mode right now and focuses more on the questions that might provide interesting answers rather than fluff.]
no subject
[ his biggest regret, what a question. he scoffs, though it's not directed at her in any way. ]
I didn't let her go, I guess. I don't know, I haven't gotten to that part yet myself, but- Well, I already told you about the Nauvoo and flyin' Eros into Venus. From what they tell me Julie was with me. I know it sounds impossible, but when it comes to this protomolecule shit? Real world rules don't apply. You know, like physics and shit.
[ he scratches at his face and leans back a little. ]
I guess my biggest regret was getting cancer - could've done without that part. And if we hadn't stopped for that radiation detour Semi would probably still be alive.
Regrets don't get you nothin' but more regrets though, do they?
no subject
Sometimes regrets can lead the way to learning valuable lessons.
[But he's right, more often than not regrets don't help anyone. She fiddles with her device, ending her recording.]
I know this isn't any of my business, but are you still sick?
no subject
Good as new.
no subject
For now.
[The words are whispered, and she frowns deeply. She'll have to keep a close eye on him from now on, just in case he gets sick again. Her eyes meet his briefly before she settles back, turning back on her device.]
You said that you met Holden and his crew through Julie's case. Did you stay with them after losing her?
no subject
It's supposed to be good for a while, maybe forever. Doesn't matter much to a dead guy, I guess.
[ he rolls back down his sleeve and leans back on his elbow to look up at the feed. his eye closes as he remembers the rocinante, what it was like finding his place there. ]
For a while, yeah. When Holden and me got back to the Roci we were all jacked up. Cancer- so Naomi fixed us up. It didn't take me long to find my friend Semi in the cargohold though. Amos shot him through-and-through. When we split up, Naomi gave Holden three hours to get back and we ran out the clock. Semi wanted to leave and Amos doesn't like it when people threaten Naomi, so he paid the price.
[ just another person who had, for trusting in him, he supposes. miller sighs. ]
But yeah, I bunked up with them for a while. The Belters put together a Strike Team to go back down and round up all the scientists who released that blue plague on all those people. They did it on purpose, to study what happened so they could figure out how to weaponize it later. Holden tried to get me to stay behind, but I went down and it's a good thing I did otherwise they would've killed every last one of the people who could get us answers. I managed to get 'em to stop shooting long enough to save one guy, and he spilled the beans on the whole project. But the Captain didn't like when I put a bullet in the project manager myself. A guy that evil, there's nothing we could've learned from him worth the slime it'd get on us. That's like making a deal with a demon.
[ miller rubs at his eye and takes a breath. ]
So he kicked me out. I was off the team. You know, until all that shit with the Nauvoo and Fred Johnson later. Is any of this making any kind of sense?
no subject
It makes as much sense as anything else you've told me.
[Which means he's good at telling a story, even if there's one part that bothers her.]
Why not hold Semi's death against Amos, though? You said it yourself, you don't make deals with demons. Why would you trust him and his crew after something like that happened?
[She can understand that he was kicked out and off the team, but that doesn't necessarily change the fact that she's a little concerned about how casual he is about the loss of his best friend. She can't imagine losing Frank or Matt that way.]
no subject
[ he clutches the hat again, bringing it into his lap. all semi ever did was help him, and it had bitten him in the end. ]
It's not his crew. Amos is just the muscle. He did what he thought was right, just like Semi did.
no subject
That doesn't make it right.
[She visibly bristles, but has to remember this isn't about her. This is his story. And how he acts about the loss of his closest friend is his own decision, she can't judge that.]
What I mean is, you've forgiven him. Or it sounds like you have, anyway. It's strange, Miller. A man that's been through so many terrible things still has one of the softest hearts I've ever seen.
[But don't worry, that secret is completely off the record.]
no subject
Amos is... he's a different breed, alright? He'd snap my arms off like twigs if I threatened Naomi. That's his family, like Semi was mine.
I don't like it, I'm never gonna be over it, you know, seein' my brother on the floor like that. But in his mind he had to do it. We're square, that's that. It's in the past.
no subject
So you don't hold grudges. That has to come in useful in a place like this.
[There's a snort that accompanies the tail end of that, because people here constantly infuriate or insult her. And unlike him, she holds grudges.]
Do you consider yourself their friends here? Amos and the rest of the crew?
idk how i missed this?
Everyone's got a skill, right? We'd be cheating ourselves to count people out just because of a silly thing like a guy murderin' your brother.
[ s h r u g emoji ]
Sure, I guess. Alex seems hellbent on making it that way, whether I like it or not.